(づ◡﹏◡)づ

8.9
--
I want to admit that as tech-savvy as I may be,
I am not always 100% there.
It is still easy to get only a fraction of me thru text, IG, FB, etc.
I get very focused on things, and then just kind of do this general,
schedule-meets-life, improv-type deal
and then days later will be like

.
..
...
....
o shit
.
..
...
....
oooooo shit
no0o0o

who knows how many friendships are already subtly tarnished by this past (or repeated) unacknowledged transgression?

6.21
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Communing with digital devices is an act of channeling one’s physical self toward a broadcasted form of attention. It takes its toll on our physical forms - an energy transfer. What do we receive in return? What constitutes nutrients in the binary soil? Where do our roots extend, what nourishment do they exchange in the mycelial network?

5.31
--
This week I was reminded of the pain of others around me - their frustration, and anger - and I feel the tug to join in aggressive action. But I’m also reluctant to give up the path I’ve already been on, looking for connection in other ways. In places of privilege, how can I show up in ways that others need - while also honoring my own ongoing personal journey?

It’s been hard to focus. There is urgency in the air that seems to call for decisive action. I’m reminded of an article I read last month, whose words have been haunting me ever since: “These are ways in which, as things start to slip down that death road, other things start going too. Relationships unravel, mutualities falter, dependence becomes a peril rather than a blessing, and whole worlds of knowledge and practice diminish.” (Deborah Bird Rose)

It seems to me that there is a very real need to preserve rituals celebrating love and compassion, sharing dreams - which I understand can read externally as inaction. The world continues to orient itself as a tug of war, a world where if you’re not pulling your weight you’re dead weight. My present situation gives me the freedom to choose how I look at the problem. For others that is a luxury they cannot afford, or have been denied altogether.

5.17
--
Finding myself refreshingly disconnected from some of the forces that used to influence my decisions - words like branding, marketability, success. I feel less like I’m competing. It’s not that those feelings disappeared altogether; maybe more-so that my real needs are higher on the list than usual. The fears too, of sustainability, have not vanished, but taken on different shapes. Whether people can care about me enough to support my work - that problem has just become more digitized than it was before quarantine.

I do feel different though. I feel like in searching online for connection, I’m taking on responsibility for relationships I originally assumed could be sustained without my attention.

I’ve been comparing artists to superheroes a lot in my mind, over the past week. Which feels silly, but conceptually I feel like the only difference is that superhuman feats are meant to look good on paper. The best part about those stories though, was the stories of people navigating responsibility and the eccentricity of their experience. Understanding what made them want to help people in the first place. There’s certainly part of my comparison that also has to do with wanting to feel special, and recognized.

Everyone deserves to feel that way.

5.15
--
I’ve been feeling more valuable, more important than I did before quarantine. Feels nice to be comparing myself less to other people than usual.

5.14
--
I think the biggest determinant of my satisfaction in a day is connected to my awareness of the passage of time. Whether I’m doing something enjoyable or not, losing track of time is a disappointing feeling.

5.2
---
other things than screens

4.15
---
What is the least I can do, and still be full?
What fills me?
What if I wait, what fills me then?
What is a “full day?”

- Gwendolyn Brooks, “Prisoners”
- Dori Midnight, “Wash Your Hands”

4.14
---
What’s the least I can do?

4.13
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Steps for staying curious:
- no more routines. Instead, opportunities to ask yourself, “do I wanna do this?”
- it’s not enough to think about it and decide not to. You have to do the task enough to be focused on it and answer honestly.
- maybe one day I try, I’m like “nope.” Then I can do other shit.
- don’t use time, except as a reminder to take a break and check back in. “Do I still wanna do this?”

As long as there are socially agreed-upon beginnings, why not find personal ways to use them as such?
- 1st Monday of the month: write out a plan
- every monday: check in with the monthly plan
- every hour: check in with the current activity.
Checking in is not a productivity hack. It is a practice of cultivating an honest relationship with the self.

4.12
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Caught myself trying to find solutions again.

Solutions are great once you’d identified a problem - and they can be very distracting otherwise. Even if a problem is identified, the solution may be inadequate if other concerns lie outside of the identified problem - which is very much the case we are in.

Creativity is helping these days, I think because creativity is a problem-solving mechanism in which I have control. My song will not save the planet - that much is clear. But it does answer a number of recurring questions. Questions like “What do I like?” “What do my friends like?” “What am I thinking?” It also helps because it is a vehicle for staying in the present without being overwhelmed by the present.

4.11
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Made this page. I found that conch shell thumbnail on Chairish. Jesus, that name. Anyhow, pretty impressed they were using a .png with a transparent background. Like, do they go into photoshop and neatly crop out every product they have?
I wonder how many YouTubes are just autoplaying idly without watchers. I wonder how much revenue is being generated from royalties, just passively slipping from one bank account to another, without a care.