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(づ◡﹏◡)づ



5.17
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Finding myself refreshingly disconnected from some of the forces that used to influence my decisions - words like branding, marketability, success. I feel less like I’m competing. It’s not that those feelings disappeared altogether; maybe more-so that my real needs are higher on the list than usual. The fears too, of sustainability, have not vanished, but taken on different shapes. Whether people can care about me enough to support my work - that problem has just become more digitized than it was before quarantine.

I do feel different though. I feel like in searching online for connection, I’m taking on responsibility for relationships I originally assumed could be sustained without my attention. 

I’ve been comparing artists to superheroes a lot in my mind, over the past week. Which feels silly, but conceptually I feel like the only difference is that superhuman feats are meant to look good on paper. The best part about those stories though, was the stories of people navigating responsibility and the eccentricity of their experience. Understanding what made them want to help people in the first place. There’s certainly part of my comparison that also has to do with wanting to feel special, and recognized.

Everyone deserves to feel that way.



5.15
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I’ve been feeling more valuable, more important than I did before quarantine. Feels nice to be comparing myself less to other people than usual.


5.14
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I think the biggest determinant of my satisfaction in a day is connected to my awareness of the passage of time. Whether I’m doing something enjoyable or not, losing track of time is a disappointing feeling.


5.2
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other things than screens


4.15
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What is the least I can do, and still be full?
What fills me?
What if I wait, what fills me then?
What is a “full day?”

- Gwendolyn Brooks, “Prisoners”
- Dori Midnight, “Wash Your Hands”


4.14
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What’s the least I can do?


4.13
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Steps for staying curious:
- no more routines. Instead, opportunities to ask yourself, “do I wanna do this?”
- it’s not enough to think about it and decide not to. You have to do the task enough to be focused on it and answer honestly.
- maybe one day I try, I’m like “nope.” Then I can do other shit.
- don’t use time, except as a reminder to take a break and check back in. “Do I still wanna do this?”

As long as there are socially agreed-upon beginnings, why not find personal ways to use them as such?
- 1st Monday of the month: write out a plan
- every monday: check in with the monthly plan
- every hour: check in with the current activity.
Checking in is not a productivity hack. It is a practice of cultivating an honest relationship with the self.


4.12
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Caught myself trying to find solutions again.

Solutions are great once you’d identified a problem - and they can be very distracting otherwise. Even if a problem is identified, the solution may be inadequate if other concerns lie outside of the identified problem - which is very much the case we are in.

Creativity is helping these days, I think because creativity is a problem-solving mechanism in which I have control. My song will not save the planet - that much is clear. But it does answer a number of recurring questions. Questions like “What do I like?” “What do my friends like?” “What am I thinking?” It also helps because it is a vehicle for staying in the present without being overwhelmed by the present.


4.11
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Made this page. I found that conch shell thumbnail on Chairish. Jesus, that name. Anyhow, pretty impressed they were using a .png with a transparent background. Like, do they go into photoshop and neatly crop out every product they have?
I wonder how many YouTubes are just autoplaying idly without watchers. I wonder how much revenue is being generated from royalties, just passively slipping from one bank account to another, without a care.